


Hogwarts: Zoomer Edition

by LeighAdam



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, Severus Snape is So Done, no beta-we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:15:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28996554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeighAdam/pseuds/LeighAdam
Summary: If the students of Hogwarts had been just a few generations later, Generation Z. As told from the perspective of Severus Snape who has to deal with them on a regular basis. He tries, but not even Hogwarts' strictest professor is prepared for the chaos.A just for fun crack fic. Non-chronological and some fun perspectives on the more mundane parts of Hogwarts life.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	Hogwarts: Zoomer Edition

**Author's Note:**

> For Discord, without whom this fic would have never been created.

The problem with Slytherin’s monster this time around, was that it did not seem to inspire as much fear as it must have the last time. That was the only reason Severus could think of for the reaction. A sense of been-there-done-that had to be to blame. Otherwise, whoever the heir of Slytherin was would have chosen something else, some other shtick. Then again, Severus could hardly blame him or her for not knowing students in the future would be suicidal little shits, that had been something he had to take on the role of professor to truly understand.

The Professors of Hogwarts were very worried, some of them like Minerva McGonagill and Albus Dumbledore remembering the first monster’s go-round but try as they might, they could not seem to impress upon their students the grave danger they were in. Snape privately wondered if they were all Gryffindors in their own way, as these students did not seem to care that a monster attack would leave them petrified or that death was imminent, worse, they seemed to relish in it. Maybe there was something in the water or children born after seeing a Dark Lord end made them not fear death, whatever it was, it was already making his life hard enough.

It had of course started when Potter was in his class, because just when Severus finally felt the ghost of James Potter had finally taunted him in his nightmares for the last time, his fucking son would have to show up and find brand new ways to torture him. Much like Sisyphus, Snape was learning he was bound to hell.

It had been a rather easy potion for second years, not that any of them even bothered to make his life any easier. Finnegan had managed to not set anything on fire or explode anything, Malfoy had seemingly run out of things to tell his father about and even Longbottom was getting along fine. Severus could remember thinking to himself that for once, maybe Dumbledore’s sadistic attempt at inter-house unity of potions with Gryffindor and Slytherin, wasn’t going so badly. He should have known better than to jinx it.

The dueling club had only been a few days ago, and it only mildly hurt his ego that sending the truly incompetent DADA instructor flat on his ass was overshadowed by the fact Potter could fucking talk to snakes and could possibly be the heir of Slytherin. It was absurd, and Severus had wanted to laugh upon first hearing it, much like he did any other rumor children managed to come up with. Maybe it had been because he knew both of the boy’s parents that Snape knew it was stupid, maybe it was the fact he had seen the Dark Lord do the same thing and that him and Potter were nothing alike. That fact did nothing to deter the children, living in a closed off world of their own that ran exclusively on gossip.

He hadn’t caught who said it, just that it had been said. He had been having the students wrap up their brews, put the potion into their vials and write an essay about the topic at hand. Nothing over a foot, he was in a good mood and there were only so many things that could be said on the potion anyway. Additionally, he did do other things in his time besides grade, not that students would know that with the rate they managed to get themselves homework. A small groan had escaped the class at the mention of homework added on to, what was by everyone’s standards a successful day, and a voice floated up from the back of the classroom.

“Hey Potter, can you set Slytherin’s monster on me so I don’t have to write it?”

There had been some instant shocked giggles, the dark nature of the subject making students wonder if it was okay to laugh, the boy in question had flushed red and muttered something about not being Slytherin’s heir. At his embarrassment his Slytherins piled on, sensing weakness. And once that train left the station, faster than Snape could have reacted, it seemed there would be no stopping it.

“Not even for a friend Potter?” Malfoy inquired, grinning from ear to ear. “What about for an enemy? Do you take requests?” he asked cheekily, and Severus had to mentally restrain himself from commenting just what his father would think about that.

“Yeah Potter” Parkinson added, not able to resist copying a Malfoy much like the rest of her family. “Would you pretty please if only so we don’t have to look at Granger?”. The shocked Gryffindor girl made a movement to retort, an undignified squeak coming out of her mouth instead of a roar.

Severus had been a professor long enough to see what was coming and stepped in to stop the impending drama in its tracks. Too bad the joke had already taken on a life of its own and there was no killing it now.

“That is enough. Not even death will get you out of homework, the length of which has just doubled. Now get out of my classroom.” His good mood had evaporated and not even the grumbling of children, or what looked suspiciously like a grateful look from a child who had given him so much grief, had managed to get it back.

Severus had thought that would be the end of it, and after a few days it had left his mind. But the trouble was in reality just beginning. By next week he had gone back to cursing Potter’s name on a regular basis and mixed in the founder of the house he was head of for good measure. This was growing ridiculous and he wondered out loud in the staff lounge if he had it worse than other teachers or if it had just been him. To his horror he discovered the problem had grown school-wide.

* * *

“Is anyone else having students ask Potter or Slytherins monster to kill them?” saying it out loud made it even more ridiculous. But with the looks of relief, he got from other professors, clearly concerned about being the ones to say it, well it made Severus himself very concerned.

Minerva had frowned, “I had thought it was a Gryffindor inside joke the Weasley twins thought up, a way to help the poor boy cope with the rumors, and then had some Hufflepuffs in my sixth year course say it.” She looked more stern than usual and the worry at not being able to find the root cause of the petrification had been wearing on her. He couldn’t recall a moment in recent years, let alone any when teaching, that she had seemed this upset about something.

Flitwick nodded along, the excitement at not being alone in the issue making him appear far more enthusiastic about the issue than anyone had right to be. “I had some fourth years doing it just this morning!”

“Same here!” Babbling called from across the room, normally not one to get involved in gossip and a studious academic at heart. She had a strict ‘no speculating about student drama’ policy and Snape had always admired her for it “I told them off for it mind you but the second they thought I wasn’t able to hear them, back at it they went!” She look positively astonished at that and it was very hard to not sneer at a woman who taught an elective very studious students took.

Still, if even Babbling was hearing it, then it had to have encompassed the entire student body at this point.

Sprout seemed worried, having lost a young student to petrification recently. “What’s wrong with them? Do you think the monster could be affecting their minds?”

“No.” Severus said decisively, “There is no monster that only causes suicidal tendencies in children.”

“Well I haven’t had any complaints about my class.” Lockhart butted in, not even seeming to notice the glare sent his way by Minerva. He flashed a dazzling white smile and Severus made a mental note to bother Dumbledore about getting the DADA job again. Maybe if they were lucky Slytherin’s monster liked adults as much as children.

“It seems as though we need to have a conversation with the headmaster.” Minerva stated decisively, ignoring the confused look Lockhart sent her. Severus made the movement to flee after agreeing with her, claiming he had to go look to his brewing. The rest of them would get him back for abandoning them to another one of Lockhart’s narcissistic lectures but Snape already had a headache and didn’t think he could take another one.

* * *

Severus had already given detention twice in the 3rd year potions classroom when two Ravenclaws in his class before lunch muttered they wished Slytherin’s monster attacked more than just muggleborns so they wouldn’t have to do their homework and Professor Sprout was tired of fielding questions from her OWL and NEWT students about whether they would have to take their exam if they got petrified. The answer was of course yes, but the bloody obnoxious students decided dying was a preferable alternative to exams. The fact it made their professors visibly angry only seemed to inspire them even more, and spurred on by their peers, it was a losing battle.

And though Severus tried, and his detention grew full to the point he was running out of safe yet hopelessly menial tasks for them to do, he was no match for the newest generation of students who seemed to laugh at the possibility of death. Rather than take up some of Filch’s ‘suggestions’ which eerily reminded him of his Death Eater days, Severus had made the mistake of wondering to Dumbledore just what these students had against living.

The irritating blue twinkle in his eyes seemed to spark up and Severus found himself wondering if the peculiar little blonde Ravenclaw had merit when she talked about something called wrackspurts invading the mind. That could be the only reason the old man broke out into a grin.

“What a wonderful suggestion Severus, why don’t you find out?”

And so it had been a month of his coffee tasting off or random things of his transfigured into objects that ran away, retribution from the other heads of houses it seemed for bring the role of counselor upon them, and Severus found he was no closer to the answer. All he knew was that he seemed to have to brew more headache potions than usual for fellow heads of house.

They had found the usual cases of students who were hiding hurt under humor, something he had never perfected, but the numbers of students were no higher than usual. The others had no reasonable explanation, just shrugging and saying things like “glass looks like it tastes good” and other nonsense. There was in fact nothing mentally wrong with them, other than the apparent fascination with death.

Severus idly wondered if the child he had been sworn to protect with a vow held the same attitude then remembered the boy enjoyed facing down Voldemort with just the knowledge in his then eleven year old brain and regularly played quidditch and grimly set about working harder, to both track down this monster as well as track down the reason for so many students facing down death. As the end of the year approached and even the Granger girl was found petrified, even more proof the boy wasn’t the heir, Snape had to begrudgingly admit the students had merit. This constant referral system to his office whenever any student made a mention of wanting to die on top of extra duties of monster watch, even as Albus was gone, was beginning to make him consider death as an acceptable alternative. He even found himself going ‘me too’ under his breath when a student wished the monster would come down the hall and swallow them whole when he caught them doing something nefarious like sneaking cookies.

When the order had come for all students to return to their dormitories for evacuation he’d even had to charm the door from letting a student or two out. They wanted to go see if the monster was still hungry and Snape had had enough.

“Here’s the deal.” Biting his tongue to avoid adding the words ‘you little shits’ drew more blood than he had anticipated. “Regardless of what happens, I will be returning you to your parents in one piece and mentally present or so help me Mother Magic I will personally work and make deals with whatever awful magic I have to until I have perfected resurrection to bring you back from death to punish you myself, is that perfectly clear?” Wide eyes from all years stared back at him and he suddenly felt self-conscious. “Well?” he thundered at them and quickly got nods in return with his perfects, people who should have been on top of this nonsense quickly assured him he would hear no more of it. He narrowed his eyes before glaring at them and wheeling out to go find a way to assist Minerva with the coordination.

He knew perfectly well they had left a giant loophole in their promise and it spoke to just how tired of it all Severus was that he chose to not call them on it and let them keep it. He knew it would be a problem in the future, if the school even had a future after all, but at the moment, he was too bone tired of it all to care. He could only thank whatever form of luck existed in the universe that the monster had decided to snatch Ginny Weasley and not the person he had been charged with protecting.

* * *

After a rather undramatic announcement that the cup was being given to Gryffindor again, though Severus really couldn’t find a way to argue with slaying a basilisk despite what he told his irate students, Severus found himself breathing a sigh of relief. With the monster of Slytherin a carcass and cornering Potter into taking him down there to collect some of the basilisk venom for some, personal projects, it was finally time for the year to end and draw to a close.

He was always relieved when the school year ended, a rather stark change from when he was younger. Regardless, he always gave a kind of speech as the year ended and this year was going to have to be no exception.

Maybe Slytherin’s monster had died too quickly and then he just as quickly cursed himself for the thought. The children were rubbing off on him in the worst ways and they really had outdone themselves this year. As one of the younger people on staff and one of the only approachable authority figures to Slytherins, he had always tried to keep up with them, even if he would never use some of the slang they used. This year was no different.

“As hard as this year has been for our house and its name, I would like to remind all of you that we have made it successfully through another year. We have our name restored, our house pride even if Dumbledore disagrees, and the knowledge that we have faced down every challenge placed before us.” He always felt awkward giving these speeches. He had always tuned Slughorn out as a student himself, preferring to ignore the man who chose to ignore him despite his marks because his robes weren’t as nice as his peers. But studying his Snakes he didn’t see that much inattention, though some staring off into space was to be expected in Goyle’s case.

“I expect nothing less from all of you next year, whether you are leaving this common room for the last time or for the first time. Every single one of you has contributed something to this house this year and we have been made better for it.” It was a touch sappier than usual but then again it had been an extraordinary year. Maybe if nothing else it would cure them of this fascination with using death as a way to escape their problems.

“And with that I’d like to turn it over to our prefects for the 7th year superlatives” another house tradition, Snape had insisted every single Slytherin leaving his house leave with a thing that they had done to show they had been seen and appreciated in their time. But this year, they felt a bit extra special with the constant talk of death, dying and petrification. Or maybe he was losing his edge.

* * *

Severus had been enjoying a much deserved rest from the chaos of the last school year when a knock came from his door. There were so few people alive who knew the address he resided at outside of school years and upon discovering it was none other than Albus Dumbledore, what remained of his good mood soured.

“You already informed me you hired another DADA professor.” Snape snapped, being pushed aside ever so slightly as Dumbledore climbed inside without being invited.

“Yes. Poor Gilderoy is currently in St. Mungos and unlikely to recover.” Dumbledore actually seemed a bit sorrowful while Snape couldn’t stop himself from smirking ever so slightly. Being denied the job again had put a damper on his spirits but the knowledge Lockhart was a fraud had comforted him. Granted the man had no idea what happened to him or what kind of comeuppance had been wrought on him by a broken wand. It was poetic in the world if the world ever cared about such things. “The new professor is an old friend of yours.”

Snape sent him a questioning look but Dumbledore preferred to speak cryptically, offering him no farther explanation. “No Severus, I came to inform you of an urgent matter. Sirius Black has broken out of Azkaban.”

“On his own?” Severus couldn’t say he was surprised, Black had always been a powerful Wizard and a determined, demented creature. He’d dedicated seven years of his life to tormenting Severus because he didn’t like the color of his tie. But to break out of Azkaban, Severus had been surprised he was a Death Eater, even more surprised he had sold out the man he called ‘his actual brother’ and her, to the Dark Lord. Black had always gone on about how he hated the dark arts, the whole pure blood movement, all of it. And yet, he had gone to Azkaban as one of its most fervent supporters. Maybe the stories of Black madness had something to them.

“Wait, why are you telling me this?” Severus demanded and received a knowing look in return. “You cannot seriously think he will be coming after Harry do you?”

“I do Severus. It seems we may have exchanged one monster for another, this one a man. Additionally the Ministry is insisting we have Dementors around the edge of the Castle Grounds” Dumbledore always had to speak in riddles and like a walking novel. It drove Snape, well not batty but similarly annoyed.

As Dumbledore did not wither under his stare, Severus realized with a start that the monster jokes would not cease. Which meant the students would now be trying to roam the halls looking for Sirius Black or a Dementor to get out of an essay. Dumbledore didn’t even flinch when Severus let out a litany of curses at the realization.

Sisyphus indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hit a wall on my more serious fic and ended up writing this as a creative exercise. I planned on writing it as a way to work through writers block/to get better at humor writing (I'm a big angst writer) but it may end up taking on a mind of its own. I have a few other ideas but will happily take some requests. 
> 
> I also don't have a beta so all mistakes and issues are completely on me. I hope you enjoy.


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